Friday Bacon Turtle Sandwich

Last night I did some set up for my blog: I scanned a mosaic I made (it's on the back of a legal pad from work) and also cut and pasted a haiku about bacon from a hand dryer that Erik in the comments section yesterday. Maybe I should just leave the blog that way, with no further commentary:

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touch the ham button
bacon plentiful erupts
Wilbur is some pig!

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Tempting, but then it's confusing: Is the turtle touching the "ham button"? Do turtles eat bacon? Do turtles need to dry their hands/feet/paws? Has this turtle read Charlotte's web (or seen either movie version) to know who Wilbur is?

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I wish I had the answers, but I don't. It's Friday and my brain is on auto-pilot. Although it's three-day weekend for most in my office, I am working Monday. You can bet I'll be making large-scale, elaborate pieces of office supply art, perhaps even articles of clothing if I get bored enough, since no one is around to stop me. Or report me for either insanity or stealing excessive office supplies.

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I'm going to sign off now, as I think this blog is full enough, what with the art and the haiku. About BACON.

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Wait, this blog is not full enough, I take it back. Today is six weeks since I sent my stuff to Ten Speed Press. Either it was lost and never made it to them because it was eaten by hungry postal workers or they are still contemplating if it's a good idea. Or perhaps the rejection is sitting in my mailbox right now...

Rainbow Days

There are many, many reasons for this post involving rainbows today:

1. Last weekend I was introduced to this hilarious clip on youtube. The entire video is of a rainbow reflected in the spray of a sprinkler while the woman taking the video is in the background talking about what must be in our water supply for that rainbow to appear in the water. It's a hoot.

2. It is STILL raining. Rain rain go away and come back when I'm sleeping and don't have to drive in you. I need some color in my life, hence the rainbow theme.

3. My latest office supply art project has all the colors of the rainbow (just like Skittles!):

4. I know how much rainbows cheer people up and today seems like a good day for cheering up people. You know who you are.

5.My cats, who, as I've mentioned, read my blog and they, too, could use some spirit-lifting. They are depressed because of all the rain and their lack of outside time. I am depressed by their increased litter-box time.

And one last thing that has nothing to do with rainbows but does have to do with haiku. My mom was inspired to write a haiku after my post the other day and her's is actually really good:

Breeze blows. Leaves tremble
Thirsty earth longs for moisture
Rain comes pouring down

I know, right? She stayed with the nature theme and everything. She should write a second haiku about bacon from the hand dryer.

Bacon - At The Gas Station, Of Course

Here's the deal: with all the excitement of hairless cats and haikus, I completely dropped the ball on telling you that I sent another query letter package thingy to a publisher. The lucky winner of this month's package is Chronicle Books. A sample of my cover letter: "In addition there is an outline of the work, analysis of the potential market for the piece and some marketing ideas for this book, a list of similar books on the market, my biography, and some fairy dust to convince you that this is all a really great idea." I'm not kidding, I really sent that to them. Might as well let them know what they're dealing with up front, right?



Complete change of topic: Tropical Storm Fay. She spent days and days in Florida and now her remnants are here. We need the rain, etc, etc, but yesterday my drive home from work, which is normally a 34-mile-drive-o'-bliss, filled with NPR news and mooning strangers (hard to do when you drive stick), was a torturous drive with downpours, rivers in the roads and me having a mild freak-out. I got off the highway because the roads were so bad. Also I had to pee. I could not wait. And I am so happy I did:



I'm sure you're familiar with this, the sign posted on the hand dryers in public bathrooms. You can't see it in this crappy picture that I've taken, but someone had written captions below the illustration. Under the first illustration "Push Button" is written. Under the second button "Receive Bacon" is written. And under the final button "Eat Bacon" is written. I actually laughed out loud, which was a much needed release from my very stressful drive home.

I am sad to say no bacon came out when I pushed the button. Maybe the machine was empty? Oh well, I'm a vegetarian anyways. On the upside, I am so happy to see other people making funny out there.

Ah, New Love

New love. No, I do not have a new boyfriend. Or a new cat. Or a new cable channel. This is a different kind of love. The fresh love of an art form that I haven't attempted since sophomore English class: Haiku. I'm going to be honest, I don't really get haiku. But this impressive verse created by my weekend guest, Emily, has inspired me to try to understand it:

I mean, even after reading the definition, "A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons," I still don't know if I could ever be bored enough at work to try to write one. Do you hear the crickets? That means I'm bored enough. Here goes:

Office supply art

Cool that it's five syllables

That works out real good

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It didn't evoke nature, but it's my first attempt. And I'm just going to go ahead and say it will be my only attempt, as poetry is not my strong point.

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Emily, thanks for passing on your wonderful poem so that (two) people could read it and enjoy. I know you're at a new job and haven't gotten bored enough to make stuff, but when you do, send it along. And I'm really sorry for the embarrassing poem, above. This is why you went to grad school to study literature, and I went to art school.

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Emily also sent along a link to her description of the weekend, here, and a link to a neat story about people using post-it notes for fun (definitely not work-related), here.

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Keep up the good work. Don't know who I'm talking to there, probably myself.

Weekends R Awesome

I had quite the exciting weekend. First off my friend Erik and his girlfriend Emily (okay, when I asked her what their exact status was she said: "We're seeing each other. Naked.") visited. It was so much fun, I haven't seen Erik in about a year and a half, since he schlepped my butt all around D.C. so I could get a passport five days before I left for New Zealand. Also, Emily is a girl after my own heart as far as filling bored-time at work with fun and creative activities; she has promised to email me her haiku about...mounties, I think. When I have it I'll post it. She has promised that it also has an illustration.

That was all fun, however, my time with them was not as exciting as when I went to the vet's office to pick up a pack of flea and tick medication. Why? Because this was there:

Ew, I had to stop eating my lunch just looking at that picture. It's a hairless cat. Next time I've had too much to drink and am considering shaving one of my own definitely-not-hairless-cats for fun, I'm going to look at this picture and I'm quite sure I'll reconsider. The cat belongs to my vet and for once it was hanging out in the lobby. It looks like a cross between an armadillo and an old woman and I tried to touch it but perhaps I was making it uncomfortable because it didn't seem to want to be touched.

This weekend I also ran into this guy I used to work with:



Well, this isn't him, but this is one of the many pieces of roll-art he brought to me when we both worked at the inn where he was a cook and I was a slave. I mean, an event coordinator. He is now married and has a gorgeous wife and an even more gorgeous baby girl, about six months old. That was a nice surprise and it reminded me, yet again, that there are other awesome creative people out there trying to find creativity any way they can. Even in yeast and flour.

Now go make something fun and smile while you're doing it. :)

You Think of a Title, I'm Too Lazy

This "art" wasn't that awesome even in real life, let alone on the crappy picture of it from my cell phone, but sometimes you just gotta work with what you've got. Also, I was walking this morning and found a beautiful leaf, courtesty of God's Office Supply Store, so I threw it into the picture so there was something nice to look at.

Actually, it wasn't intended to be art in the first place, I had a folded up piece of paper that was headed for the trash and I tore it into strips and decided to weave it into an interlocking piece of wonderfulness, which doesn't fully translate here. I am happy I made it though, because now I know that if this whole book-publishing thing doesn't work out I can make pot holders and sell them on the street corner.

Oh, it's been five weeks since I sent my stuff to Ten Speed Press and still no rejection. This weekend I'll get everything together to send to Chronicle Books and maybe another publisher as well. And my friend (okay, highschool boyfriend, but that was too long ago to call him an ex boyfriend) and his girlfriend are visiting this weekend. Also, Amy wanted me to tell the story of how I felt like my sweetheart was making me late for work because he was parked behind me in our driveway and was taking too long to move his van and kept doing other things instead of moving and I got mad and threw his lunch off the front porch onto the lawn, but that doesn't seem relevant here, so I think I'll skip it.

Have a great weekend!

We All Have Days When We Feel This Way

Disclaimer: This post is a joke. Not like yesterday's post where I was talking to a paperclip. That was dead serious.

Let's say you're in a meeting that is so boring you would rather cut the entire White House lawn with only your butt cheeks and a pair of children's safety scissors. Or you're traveling for business and stuck between a man who has the breath of my cat, Coconut, and a child that thinks it's funny to pull on your nose hairs and scream. Or maybe you're writing a report, that is due in 12 minutes, about the antibiotic properties of papier mache. Or whatever. You're bored out of your mind and think "Somebody kill me." Below, some options to choose from, drawn to entertain my co-worker, Amy, while we were in a situation where she looked as though she thought death was the best option.

Yes, trampled by horses. This option might be hard to come across in your everyday office situation, but an idea nonetheless. I think they actually look like one horse and one large bent-over kangaroo.

Sat on by someone. Definitely a possibility, especially if you're on a plane. Crouch down when your seatmate gets up and then quickly slip your head under their lowering buttocks when they get back from the bathroom. On a side note, it turns out Amy thought this drawing was death by someone farting on you. Which is very childish. But funny. Too bad my drawing says "Sat on by someone", or I'd lie and say that's what the drawing is.

Rollerskating accident? This is for those of you who work at one of those joints where you serve banana splits to people sitting in their cars. See, that's you, about to slip on a banana peel.

This seems like a pretty viable option to me: a pen through the eye? The nose? Instant escape from the meeting.

Me with the animal-themed deaths again. I think a flock of birds that has somehow made it into your office would be discombobulated and possibly peck you to death.

Knife. Boring, but Amy circled it as her choice because she likes things boring.

Heart explosion? Different from a heart attack. It's caused by your heart being so bored that it self-destructs in order to end its own misery.

Fire. This is a campfire. Which you have built in your office to roast marshmallows over. Which begs the question: Does anyone else think marshmallows should be spelled "marshmellows" and get confused when they try to spell it correctly?

Dog bite. Back again with the animal deaths. I am predictable. But if a rabid dog showed up in your meeting it would be anything but run of the mill.

Thank goodness death stares can't really kill, or I'd have been dead many times over, and my poor boyfriend would still be lying in the driveway right now.

This would be my choice of ways to go. Give me a variety of cheeses, brie, sharp cheddar, mozzarella sticks, pepper jack, goat cheese, etc. A tasty way to go.