Thursday, August 21, 2008

We All Have Days When We Feel This Way

Disclaimer: This post is a joke. Not like yesterday's post where I was talking to a paperclip. That was dead serious.

Let's say you're in a meeting that is so boring you would rather cut the entire White House lawn with only your butt cheeks and a pair of children's safety scissors. Or you're traveling for business and stuck between a man who has the breath of my cat, Coconut, and a child that thinks it's funny to pull on your nose hairs and scream. Or maybe you're writing a report, that is due in 12 minutes, about the antibiotic properties of papier mache. Or whatever. You're bored out of your mind and think "Somebody kill me." Below, some options to choose from, drawn to entertain my co-worker, Amy, while we were in a situation where she looked as though she thought death was the best option.

Yes, trampled by horses. This option might be hard to come across in your everyday office situation, but an idea nonetheless. I think they actually look like one horse and one large bent-over kangaroo.

Sat on by someone. Definitely a possibility, especially if you're on a plane. Crouch down when your seatmate gets up and then quickly slip your head under their lowering buttocks when they get back from the bathroom. On a side note, it turns out Amy thought this drawing was death by someone farting on you. Which is very childish. But funny. Too bad my drawing says "Sat on by someone", or I'd lie and say that's what the drawing is.

Rollerskating accident? This is for those of you who work at one of those joints where you serve banana splits to people sitting in their cars. See, that's you, about to slip on a banana peel.

This seems like a pretty viable option to me: a pen through the eye? The nose? Instant escape from the meeting.

Me with the animal-themed deaths again. I think a flock of birds that has somehow made it into your office would be discombobulated and possibly peck you to death.

Knife. Boring, but Amy circled it as her choice because she likes things boring.

Heart explosion? Different from a heart attack. It's caused by your heart being so bored that it self-destructs in order to end its own misery.

Fire. This is a campfire. Which you have built in your office to roast marshmallows over. Which begs the question: Does anyone else think marshmallows should be spelled "marshmellows" and get confused when they try to spell it correctly?

Dog bite. Back again with the animal deaths. I am predictable. But if a rabid dog showed up in your meeting it would be anything but run of the mill.

Thank goodness death stares can't really kill, or I'd have been dead many times over, and my poor boyfriend would still be lying in the driveway right now.

This would be my choice of ways to go. Give me a variety of cheeses, brie, sharp cheddar, mozzarella sticks, pepper jack, goat cheese, etc. A tasty way to go.

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