Signing Workplace Birthday Cards - My Version of Hell

Every month in my place of work every employee with a birthday that particular month gets a birthday card, signed by the other staff members, and a gift coupon for lunch at a local restaurant. The birthday cards are awful. Sparkles? Yup. Bunnies and/or kittens and/or puppies? Check. Some line about how "neat" the person is and how "nifty" it is that it's their birthday? Of course. Sigh. These birthday-wishes-from-the-cheese-factory are all in their own individual envelopes with the name of the person with a birthday on them; they are then stuffed into a larger envelope that has a list of all of the other employees names on it, the ones who aren't having a birthday that month, to initial that they've received and signed the cards.

Even explaining the whole process is terribly painful for me. The big envelope was in my mail slot today. My dread began immediately. I supressed the urge to run, screaming, down the hall away from it. I took it back to my desk and pulled out the six envelopes. Sigh, again. I didn't even know who one of the employees was. One of them is brand new. One of them works in a department completely separate from mine and probably wouldn't even know who I was if I did sign his card, which I didn't. One of them is the second-in-command over the whole company and who knows what you write on a card for someone that high up. If you try to be funny and witty you risk failing, miserably, with the rest of the staff knowing, since they signed the card after you did. Or you could always scratch out what you wrote after the fact, leaving a giant black blotch leaking through to the back of the card.

Do you see why this is so stressful for me?

Not to mention the fact that, damnit, Rick (who the hell is he?) has already written what I want to write (Happy Birthday ______!) on every single card. That is really all I can think of to say to these people. I hate this. I'm always claiming to be so creative, but when it comes to writing birthday well-wishes to people I don't really know or care about, the creativity dries up. If they asked me to make a paperclip sculpture the birthday boy or girl, than maybe it would be a different story.

I don't even want to know what people will write in my birthday card - but I will have to wait until November to find out. I think I'll be sick next month so I can avoid having to do this again. Or maybe I'll get lucky and nobody that works here was born in August....