Friday, December 19, 2008

Boxes and Rainbows

Newest project:

This box was once filled with a variety of teas, and I've kept it for a couple years now because I thought I'd be able to use it for something. Today that something finally occurred to me. I painted the squares different colors and the cross bars between them white. The plan (though I must warn you, almost all of my plans, especially art-project related, turn out differently than I anticipated) is to make a polymer clay tree or leaf for each box, and up top to make a polymer clay background with a yarn tree. We'll see.

Last night I did not sleep well. I was awake for two hours in the middle of the night. Finally I got out of bed and wrote down some of the things that were on my mind plus ten things I am grateful for. It keeps dawning on me to me to start a gratitude journal, so hopefully soon I'll get my hand to pick up a pen and start doing that on a regular basis.

I woke up this morning still feeling anxious and with many things on my mind, mostly pertaining to the workshop I want to hold. I called a few places to find a space, I think I have one, although it's not a free one. I am noticing my constant struggle to find purpose or meaning or achievement in my day. I'd like to be like an animal - my cats do as they wish, sleep when they feel like it, eat when they're hungry, play when the mood strikes them. We humans are so full of thoughts and choices and ideas and goals. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes I just have to remind myself to SIT STILL and just breathe.

Today the weather is choosing to succumb to peer pressure and be just like the days before it; on and off rain, fog, with warm temperatures for this time of year. We went for a walk and this is how it went: Started out pretty dry, with some drops here and there. Got rainier, had to put our hoods up. Got really rainy, to the point where Anthony asked me if I wanted to turn back. I said no, I preferred to finish the loop. Shortly thereafter the sun popped out for a moment and wouldn't you know it - a faint rainbow. Moments later there was more drizzle and the rainbow disappeared from view. Time passed, the rain cleared again and the rainbow reappeared, much brighter, bolder, and clearer than it had been. It did fade away again, but at the very end of the loop, almost back to the vehicle, both the rain and the rainbow made one last showing.

Prepare yourself for a cheesy metaphor, okay? This walk reminded me of life, particularly of the journey I'm currently embarking on. I decided to start even though I'm not completely sure what's going to happen, or even if I can even make the whole trip without turning back. Things get rougher, sometimes so bad I wonder if I should have started this in the first place. After waiting it out for a while, something beautiful happens that makes me think it was all worth it. Shortly thereafter, the beauty fades and I am once again cast into dark clouds and doubt. That is, until all of a sudden, something even more wonderful happens, convincing me everything will be all right for good this time. Of course, that's not true, either. Both the good and the bad, as we perceive them, are always around us. It's really about which we choose to look for and if we're willing to look for anything in the first place.

Today I got my last pay check from work. This is it, now I'm really on my own. I hope I can see the rainbow-covered part of life as often as possible.

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