Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Beaches. Numb Limbs. Dirty Thighs.

Here is my representation of what I will be doing in three days:

That's right, I'll be wearing a bathing suit (or is it an off the shoulder minidress?) made of a post-it note, lying on a piece of yellow-lined legal paper, listening to the paper waves roll in, all while the sun (made from the same material as my bathing suit, of course) sinks slowly from the sky. I mean, from the purple folder that was lying around in my office, filled with some papers I probably should be looking at and learning from, or at the very least I should see if they contain something important. Like the deed to a house on the coast of Mexico somewhere. Nope, they have ground transportation policies in them. Also, see the color of my skin in this representation? I'm actually much paler than that.

Okay, so hopefully in three days I'll be lying on a sandy beach, not a piece of paper, but the reason this representation is so shoddy is because I had a rough night.

First of all, Nola was out when I went to bed. I heard thunder as I drifted off to sleep. Now Nola was a stray cat, which meant prior to moving in with me she led a hard life: dumpster diving, hooking, maybe even hard drugs. But there is one thing she is very, very afraid of, despite her past. Mr. Thunder. When I heard it I knew I wouldn't see her again until at least an hour or so after it stopped. At 12:49 I heard her banging on the door, asking to come in. And of course she wanted me to pet her. She didn't tell me this until I was sitting on the toilet, which I think is her favorite place to get love from me - she knows I can't move for at least a little while. It was dark, and under the glow of the nightlight I dried her off with toilet paper. I kicked her off me after she was dry and reached down - she must have had very dirty paws because now my thighs were covered in what felt like grit and dirt (hard to tell in the almost-dark.) So I cleaned up and went to bed.

Then something even scarier happened...I dreamed about Jamie Lynn Spears. What's up with that? I think this clip from the Daily Show is why. Okay, so she's on the roof of a restaurant, singing. About her boyfriend or something. She's not with her baby, maybe Britney is taking care of it? I'm following her around on the roof. When she's done singing she throws something down for her fans - who are all in the restaurant and can't see her, but some little girl runs out to grab whatever it is that JL threw, I can't remember what it was. Okay, so then my alarm goes off. So those were the last images of my blissful slumber. That's how I started my day. Not to mention that when I woke up my arm was asleep because it was back behind my head again (I have been sleeping like this lately and I don't know why, whenever my arm is asleep I'm afraid it will never work again. I should try tying arms down or something.) Also, I was no longer wearing my pajama bottoms and I was missing a sock.

And that my friends, is why you should all be thankful that I am going on vacation, where I won't bring the cats, where I probably won't bother wearing pants of socks (at all! Even in fancy romantic restaurants!) and where I can get a good night's sleep. Unless Jamie Lynn follows me.

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